


Can you handle the truth?

by madnephelite



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Anger, Denial, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22759924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madnephelite/pseuds/madnephelite
Summary: Vic finally gets the wake-up call she needs.
Relationships: Victoria Hughes & Andy Herrera, Victoria Hughes/Lucas Ripley
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	Can you handle the truth?

**Author's Note:**

> I know that next weeks episode won't show us anything like this or anything that will suggest that Vic is still grieving or even sad about Lucas but I couldn't help but write this. It's great therapy for me. I hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Also, sorry for the tears. I sobbed like a baby while writing this.

When Maya, their new captain, had suggested going camping as a form of team building, Vic was excited but now that she was there, all she wanted was to be alone. Vic laughed at herself. For the past few months she had done everything in her power to not be alone and now all she wanted was some peace and quiet.

Jackson had decided to tag along so he could get to know her friends and vice versa and at first it sounded like a great idea but it was clear to Vic that Jackson didn’t belong. Funny how Ripley, who was their boss and older just fit right in with them when they were having that friendsgiving dinner while Jackson stood out like a sore thumb.

Vic sighed as she walked deeper into the darkness. The night was cool and made her shiver. She wrapped her arms around herself and kept walking until she stumbled upon someone sitting on a rock. When she moved closer, she realized that it was Andy and she was crying.

Vic didn’t say a word and just sat down beside her. Andy wiped her tears and looked at her. 

“I’m okay.” Andy sniffed.

“No, you’re not. You don’t have to pretend. I know how you feel,” Vic said sympathetically and was surprised when Andy snorted in reply.

“Why? Because you lost a guy a while ago that you easily and quickly replaced with a new one?”

“Excuse me?” Vic was taken aback by the harshness of Andy’s words.

“Oh, come on. You’ve been with this guy for about six months. Ripley died seven months ago. It’s easy math.”

Vic couldn’t say anything. She was frozen.

“It’s been a month since Ryan died in my arms and that’s all I can see when I close my eyes. That’s all I can think of. You couldn’t possibly know what that feels like,” Andy spat out which made Vic come out of her stupor.

“I wouldn’t know? Ripley died in my arms,” Andy snorted again.

“And what is it with you calling him Ripley? He was your fiance. You said you loved him and wanted to marry him but whenever I hear you talk about him now, he is just Ripley. It sounds like you are talking about your boss and not someone you loved and who you are still missing. The guy left the hospital not caring about open heart surgery to get to you and you are already on to the next. Can’t have hurt you that much to lose Ripley. Poor guy died for nothing,” Vic listened to Andy and the anger was building inside of her and before she knew what was happening she raised her hand and slapped Andy hard.

Andy flinched and held her cheek, both staring at each other in shock.

“There is life in you after all,” Andy finally said as Vic’s eyes filled with tears, the anger inside her suddenly gone.

“You are right. I call him Ripley because I can distance myself from him that way. I can pretend that he was just my boss because when I think of him as...” Vic exhaled sharply. She hadn’t said his name since the wildfires. “Because when I think of him as… as Lu… as Lucas,” the tears started to roll down her cheeks, “then I have to admit that I lost the love of my life before I’m even thirty and how sad is that? And the worst of it all is that he died in my arms because... because I didn’t pick up my damn phone. He died because I was stupid and thought he didn’t want me and that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life.”

Andy looked at her with sadness in her eyes and Vic just broke.

“I was supposed to live  _ with _ him for the rest of my life but instead of a wedding I had to go to his funeral and watch his body being buried and I think about that every single day. I wake up and sometimes I forget for just a moment and expect to find him lying next to me and then I see Jackson there and it all comes rushing back to me and it’s like losing him all over again but instead of letting it consume me I get up, get dressed and put on a smile for the rest of the world because I don’t want people to pity me. I don’t want people to see how much this still hurts me. I don’t want people to know that he left behind a hole in my heart that nothing and no one can fix. I don’t want to be a burden to any of you. So, I just smile and pretend to be okay and happy.”

“Doesn’t Jackson make you happy?” Andy asked while rubbing her tearfilled eyes.

“He distracts me from being sad,” Vic finally admitted the truth. “Lucas, he made me happy. When I was with him I knew who I was and I felt like I could do anything. He had such faith in me and he understood me and he could always make me laugh. He was such a goof sometimes. He loved me for me and wasn’t afraid of my strengths. In fact, he loved it,” Vic chuckled. “He admitted that me yelling at him during peer reviews was what got him interested but he couldn’t act on it because he was my boss, so instead he threw me out of the room,” they laughed. “I never felt more loved than when I was with him and now he is gone. He is lost to me forever and I’m dealing with that the best way I can,” Andy nodded. “Things aren’t always what they seem. I may look and talk like I’m okay but on the inside, I feel empty and broken. I just don’t want anyone to see it.”

Andy moved closer and put an arm around Vic. “I’m sorry for judging you. I just… I’m so angry and it just needed to get out and you were there. It wasn’t fair of me,” Andy apologized.

“It’s okay. I understand. I’m sorry for slapping you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I deserved it,” Andy chuckled.

“No, you didn’t. You’ve lost someone you loved, someone who has been a part of your life since you were little. That can’t be easy.”

“No, it’s not. I still see his blood on my hands when I close my eyes and I keep yelling at him to come back to me but he doesn’t. He told me that he was in love with me right before he died,” Andy sobbed and Vic’s heart broke for her.

“Oh Andy, I’m so sorry,” it was Vic’s turn to hug Andy.

“What were Ripley’s last words to you?” Andy asked curiously.

Vic looked at Andy in surprise. No one had asked her that before.

“I told him that I was really ready to spend the rest of my life with him and he said that at least he got to spend the rest of his life with me and then I kissed him and we looked at each other before he took his last breath and…” Vic didn’t get to finish the sentence as she started to cry so hard, she could barely breathe.

“Waving buddies,” Andy whispered and Vic chuckled. “Were you two already?”

“No, it happened after that shift and we’ve been together ever since. For seven months, I was the happiest person in the entire world.” Vic took a deep breath. “What if I never feel like that again? I’m scared that I will never find love like that again.”

“You probably won’t if you keep pretending that you’re okay and if you act like someone else,” Andy said. Vic looked at her in confusion. “Come on, you are not being yourself with Jackson. We could all see it while sitting by the fire, we just didn’t want to say anything and I overheard Dean saying how you just sat there and smiled while he was being petty to his ex during that family dinner. That’s not the Vic I know. I mean you yelled at Ripley.”

“Twice,” Vic added and smiled.

“You yelled at your boss, twice. I don’t know how many times you chewed out Warren when he started out and you more than once let me know when I was out of line. So, why not tell Jackson to cut it out? Was impressing his parents really that important to you? Or was it that you enjoyed him being petty to the doctor who treated Ripley before he died?”

Vic thought about that. Was she resentful towards Maggie because of Lucas and only pretending that it was because of Jackson? Andy was right. That was not her.

“You are not being yourself with him and I wonder if it’s because you think you are not good enough and have to be someone else in order for him to like you or if it’s because you don’t want him to see the real you because you don’t care about him actually liking you? Either way, I think you know that neither of those things is a good sign for a relationship. He probably won’t give you what you had with Ripley. So, don’t force it. I mean you never expected to fall in love with Ripley, right?” Vic nodded. “It took you by surprise. So, just take a breather. Let yourself be sad. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not be okay. I've started to finally accept that. I know you don’t want to feel that way but if you want to actually be happy again I think you have to.”

Vic listened to Andy and she knew that her friend was right. She knew that Jackson wasn’t the right guy but she was also not looking for the right guy in him. She was only looking for someone to distract her from the pain and make her feel something other than pain but was she willing to lose herself for a rebound? Was he really worth that?

“Thanks, Andy. I think I really needed to hear that,” Vic hugged her and kissed her forehead.

“That’s what friends are for,” Andy smiled back. “Want to tell me about how you and Lucas fell in love?” Andy asked and Vic’s heart skipped a beat when she called him Lucas and when she remembered their first “I love you”.

“Only if you tell me about Ryan,” Vic told her and Andy nodded smiling. 

And so Vic and Andy talked about their lost loves and for the first time in months, Vic felt like herself again.

  
  



End file.
